Reflecting on the Season

I am sad and I am happy all at the same time. Sadness fills my heart because a co-worker who just retired on December 10th suddenly died on Tuesday night. I am sad for his family who are now left without a husband/protector/provider/father/good listener/grandfather/caring soul. I am sad that he didn't have time to enjoy retirement. He was two years younger than me and had lived with Muscular Distrophy, lived a valiant life, always volunteering to serve on committees and boards that would help make life better for others, especially others with disabilities. He always had a smile on his face even when the rest of us were complaining about silly little things. How could I complain about the pain in my feet when he couldn't walk? How could I complain about the sore shoulder when he couldn't lift his arms? You get the picture, right? Anyway, another source of my sadness is that just when I think I'll make it through a Christmas season without the painful memories of the loss of a dear soulmate of mine back in December of 1996, this happens and it opens up the hole left in my heart by that loss. I know this is the time of year for rejoicing in our Lord and Savior's birth, not the time to cry over the loss of friends, but in all honesty I find it difficult to celebrate this week after what has happened. What do you say to the woman whose life has been yanked out from under her, who is finding it difficult to take her next breath and who right about now wants nothing to do with the world? I remember those feelings all too well! I remember the hours I spent crying and the hoarseness in my throat from the screaming at the top of my lungs because I was so darned angry. The shower became my friend because somehow the warm water and the noise it caused made me feel, well I really don't know... safe?

Ok, now on to happy. What kind of memories do you think about this time of the year? I always think about baking sugar cookies and decorating them with my daughter. We'd spend HOURS at the table making wonderful messes and having a ball! We'd eat so many that we'd be blue in the face... or was that blue from the frosting? It seems that this time of the year gave us permission to act silly and to eat too much without caring. If I go back even further I remember Christmas as a child growing up with two little brothers and two big sisters, children of an Army Sergeant on a very limited income. I don't remember ever feeling deprived or that I was lacking anything that I needed. That was the way life was for us. My daughter tells me the same thing. She never felt like there were things she wanted that she couldn't have... well for the most part anyway, she always had what she needed. These are the kinds of things for which I am thankful and that make me happy. Love, life and FAMILY! (oh and did I mention how happy it makes me to read your comments? hint, hint, hint!)